I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
She was REALLY feeling it.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house