zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.