Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”