Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Proctology is located in A55
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.