There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.