*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Why font matters.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded