Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!