Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Anyone want a chair?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea