“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.