seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.