Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
same energy
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?