My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
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[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”