me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Sing it!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.