My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
jesus, what did this guy do
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.