back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs