Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
why I oughta
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.