– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?