Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My Plans 2020
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I cannot stop laughing at this
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.