photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Look at this
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
October already? What’s next? November????
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste