Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
who wore it better?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?