everyone has that one prude friend
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I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?