If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
reduce, reuse, recycle
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Oceanography is all about current events
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.