Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
HOW DARE YOU
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.