[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window