7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share