I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.