Anyone want a chair?
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png