If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Hamburger Hinderer.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.