Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.