REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe