If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
no one likes gloating
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I think my mom just blocked me
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.