You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Owl Sanctuary
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”