Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher