ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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Wait a minute
Shoo shoo! 😂
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?