eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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The little toadstool has spoken.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*