Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
He just like my cat fr