HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college