Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.