Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You Might Also Like
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax