Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Grandmother clock.