At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it