the prophecy has been fulfilled
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Bros before Ohioes
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.