My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?