“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
BaD BoY!!
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”