How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.