When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
“Huge”.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl