Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Cannot stop laughing at this
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.