I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson