RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Oh thanks BBC.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied