Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Seek kebab; not attention
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh